Emptiness, looking around and not knowing what to do. Many things to do, many people to talk to but not much makes sense. Sitting and waiting for a new feeling that hasn't arrived yet. Sitting and getting up to do the littlest thing, which is only called little due to how busy I used to be.
The hard time now is being alone doing this. But it can only be done while alone. Realizing why I do what I do.
Few people fit doing things I feel like doing now. And one of them is my dad's dog. Spending time with him, since he has habits that my dad gave him feels good, feels like I am spending time as it used to be. But what used to be isn't anymore and this also won't be someday. As my dad used to repeat many times stories about how many times I have cried leaving a Hotel or anywhere we went for the weekend or a whole month. I used to dive into the new place and experience, and loved it so much that I expressed the feeling of leaving with all my tears. I remember that time, but also cause I still am this way. Now this is not a weekend, or a whole month, it is the last 33 years. Experiencing life watched by and directed by this man, a special man who was my only experience of unconditional love, someone who liked me at all times, no matter what I did. Not cause it was the right thing to do, but it was true. We had nothing negative to work on, the only thing was how to create distance between ourselves so we could have other people in our lives besides each other. My dad was loving when listening to music, extremely calm, playful, easy going, clear, noticed me and others, often angry at injustice or stupid actions, the way he criticized me I have yet to see someone do it with such art. I can't even call it criticism, but different opinion, but he knew how to listen. When a comment poked him, he expressed being bothered and soon after explained his reasons to be bothered. That taught me to respect people who express their feelings and I understand them so consequently I was able to respect him for all he was. That was no right or wrong way to be or feel, I understood him inside and I was given to chance to be a certain way around him that wouldn't create friction.
It is hard to continue living without him. But as I always have loved living, it is also hard to end my life. Of course he would still want me to go on, as he dedicated songs to me saying that, he wrote me that. All the time we had to express how hard was not to be around each other and cried and how much he wished I'd keep living and going after all I want to do.
I have no idea of what is going to happen, ad I realize it is not up to me, I am not sure how to proceed. Sure surface things might be up to me, getting butter on the bread, what color of car to pick, or when to drink a glass of water. But the things that matter to me, I can see how much I am not in charge. I can see it clearly. That is why all I want to do is sit, eat, write, watch TV, go to the beach and see a small group of people that fits me during these times. Ha, also I have no idea if this is these times or the new way.
Whenever I know I will make sure to write it.
